Not for the first time I have decided to change the pattern of behavior in our house. I’ve repeatedly proven that talking about how things need to change has little to no effect. My tactic now is to change my behavior and allow the chips to fall. More than any previous attempt I am trying to watch how people are responding (especially Laura) and when they follow the old patterns I either avoid engagement out find ways to engage according to the direction I am going. I realize that it’s important to keep a record of Laura’s attempts to engage in there old mode because she’ll want proof whenever I point out that she has been doing so. Here are the two most recent examples:
On Monday I cooked dinner but didn’t invite any of the kids to the table. I also didn’t try to walk then through contributing to the meal. Most of the older kids didn’t even bother to hang around and indicate that they were hungry. When they expressed interest in the food on the table my first response was to have them figure out how to earn the meal. Mariah’s got mad at me and declared that I was the worst dad in the world. I agreed with her. She eventually found a
Reasonably mature response and worked after she got dinner because she took dinner while I wasn’t there to stop her. Isaac got very frustrated and had a hard time coming up with ideas to earn dinner but he worked as well as possible and acquiesced to my suggestions until he too earned dinner. Savannah and Alyssa didn’t eat.
When Laura heard about it she complained about my method and said it was cruel. When it was clear that she was still taking the “let’s fix David’s problem” response I tuned her out. Once she learns to see value in what I’m doing rather than seeing dysfunction then I will happily listen to some suggestions. (Although I won’t necessarily take them all.)
On Tuesday right when it was time to put kids to bed Laura called all the girls into her room to help clean up her papers. She was perpetuating the pattern of undermining (probably unconsciously) the necessary structures to maintaining order in the home. She wasn’t happy with me when I didn’t give the green light when she asked permission after I came in to spoil her interference.
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