Lost

Laura have me a thoughtful gift for Christmas explaining that she recognized that for the bulk of our marriage everything was defined around her wishes and her needs and that there was no space for me in the home. This is true and I have stepped side willingly most of the time to allow her what she needed. On the other hand I have discovered that the long term lack has been debilitating to me. Her gifts unintentionally highlighted that. Two of the three things she got were things I once cared about somewhat but the person who cared about either of them lived 15 years ago. I appreciated her desire to give me a place but realized that she doesn’t know me because there is no “me” to know. I have given up basically anything that could define me as an individual and have become nothing more than the husk of my titles.

I am a father because I have children and I work to provide for their needs. I’m a product manager because I attempt to understand the various stages and define the priorities of the team. I don’t even have a role at church now and besides 9 months in the Sunday School presidency I have had no role at church in 5 years.

Laura says that we need to figure out what I want and find a way to fulfill those wants. She’s right but I feel confident that no matter what wants I identify the will be no way to pursue it.

I come to the end of today expecting more than ever that my children will never see me happy. If I ever find a happy life it will doubtless be after they have left the house. Until then I will shoot along doing jobs that aren’t rewarding and trying to make do with less material resources then we really need. That would be enough to make some people suicidal but I’ll dig along because I figure that suicide wouldn’t fix any of my problems.