Laura is frustrated tonight about issues that still surface “after 20 years.” She’s frustrated that we don’t see eye to eye on some parenting principles. She’s frustrated that she “has to lead out on any discussion of issues.” I hear all these things and bite my tongue because she can’t comprehend how she ensures that those things are true and must continue to be true until she can change.
She’s has to lead out on all discussions because when I lead out she gets frustrated almost immediately end the discussion and regardless of who leads out she can’t hear anything that contradicts what she already believes. Since she already believes she is right the conversations become necessarily one-sided – we can only discuss what I have to change most of the time.
Our disagreements on parenting principles persist because she starts from a precipice of distrust. She has long been convinced that I am angry, ignorant and mostly incompetent in my parenting. No matter how outrageous something might be that the kids tell her she assumes they are accurate and that is her job to parent me. At least 4 times out of 5 the kids see that she takes their side against me (usually after she has taken me aside) so they have learned strongly that she doesn’t back me up regularly. I am her servant and she is their advocate.
I don’t think she appreciates how much her authority is based on the fact that I back her up 4 times out of 5 when the kids come to me and 9 times out of 10 I do it without pulling her aside to question her position. If I didn’t back her up with such consistency she would have virtually no authority because of how much she separates herself from the family – a practice every one of the kids is all too painfully aware of. I would consider letting her authority crumble if I didn’t know that the result would be anarchy even worse than current pairing of impotent parent with absentee parent.
Leave a Reply