I have decided that I need to keep a record of the ways that Laura unsecured herself and me as I noticed it happening. The purpose here isn’t to castigate her but rather to ensure that I have a record of events as needed for clarity rather than relying on fuzzy memories without details. I won’t go far back in history but I feel it is important to say last go back to Monday, June 15th.
6/15/2015
Laura announced to me and the rest of the family simultaneously that Noelle would be taking charge of family home evening for the family. I’m not entirely opposed to that (partly because I doubt Noelle will succeed for long any better than the rest of us – she’s facing the same massive realities that have stopped us in our tracks) but I find it shortly inappropriate that Laura would outsource one of my family duties without so much as giving me a heads-up. Truthfully I think the minimum requirement would be to consult me but she didn’t even bother to inform me. That interaction was tolerable but she then went on to publicly declare that I didn’t care about doing personal priesthood interviews with the kids because I just “wasn’t motivated.” She would later point out to me that this was said as a statement of fact and without animosity to which I reply that the lack of animosity actually increased the damage that she did to my reputation because her opinion couldn’t be even partly based on her being upset in the moment.
6/18/2015
By now Laura thinks that things are normal between us again after I called her on the carpet for the way she threw me under the bus and she gave me half a response when I told her she needed to think about what message she had conveyed. The only reason I was in a decent mood after the days was because of Lisi’s surprise announcement that she would be spending the weekend here for Father’s Day. She wasn’t spending it here because it was Father’s Day, I was just more excited by her announcement because it was Father’s Day as her relationship has helped me in my efforts to grow as a father and as a person.
6/20/2015
When Laura expresses her delight that we both got over that bump so quickly I disabuse her off that notion by telling her that is still unresolved – that our conversation was never complete.
6/21/2015
My day literally started and ended with Lisi – otherwise it would have been a very poor Father’s Day. I’ll explain about Lisi after reporting on Laura. I gave Father’s Day letters to Laura, Lisi, and all the kids describing their impact and importance on me as a father. Laura loved the gesture (not only for her letter but also for the letters to the kids).
After church I was ready to take a nap but Laura decided it was time to finish our conversation from what she says Monday. I knew her hope was to resolve everything but I also knew that everything wouldn’t be resolved for me until I saw bit acknowledgement of what she had conveyed and a departure from converting those kinds of attitudes about me. An acknowledgement was the most that could happen over the course of a conversation.
I requested that Laura acknowledge her underlying feelings about me. After she finally admitted the image of me that she conveyed to the kids I pushed her to tell me possibly what she thought of me. I calmly listened as she told me exactly what I had already surmised – that she thinks I’ve been a drag on the family and that I’m not motivated internally; that I don’t make improvements unless she is molding me.
After she finished I went and took the nap I’d wanted to take two hours earlier.
How my day started and ended with Lisi
With Laura and I having nothing to say I went out of our room in the evening on Saturday after giving her treats and read Pmidnight Prey. I had been disappointed to only see Lisi for 5 minutes on Friday as she stopped to pick up Noelle (their family had planned to visit but they were late and had to skip is that evening) then Saturday after her family left she had napped until she left for a bridal shower saying she hoped to be back before bedtime so we could have a chance to talk. I hoped she would be back by 10 or 10:30 so we could talk. I finished Prophet’s Prey just before 1am Sunday and Lisi still wasn’t home. I texted to ask if she would be home soon and she said she would. I took the time to distribute my Father’s Day letters and then choose to wait up for her. When she got home at 1:20ish we chatted for half an hour about why she was out and why I waited up as well as just about making choices with the freedoms associated with adulthood.
Lisi left church after sacrament meeting to attend a farewell possibly in part because she was very emotional about missing her dad by the end of sacrament meeting. She may have needed to take her mind off of it. My day was harder partly because Lisi is the only mature person I’m really close to who matters to me from a fatherly perspective. I wanted to enjoy that on my Father’s Day since she was staying here. She didn’t get back from the farewell she went to at noon until 8:30 so I had all day without anyone I could enjoy my time with as an adult. Lisi came out to talk while I pushed Emma, Noah, and Ezra in swings before bed. After I got people to bed she came out again a little after 10 and we talked until just before midnight. It was very cathartic to be able to talk to someone I love and feel safe with. It made Father’s Day worth it to me. I’m extra happy we talked on Sunday because I left before she we your up Monday and she left before I returned home from scout camp so we haven’t seen each other since we talked on Sunday.
6/22/2015
After I got home from cub scout camp at 3 while I needed to go shopping for food (first time in 2 weeks) Laura wanted to sit down and talk again. We spent two hours first reviewing our talk from Sunday and she insisted that I tell her what I thought of her without any filters. When i started to tell her she started defending herself. I said that if she defended herself she couldn’t get my unfiltered opinion and reminders her that i had received her unfiltered opinion without interruption. She agreed to just listen and I told her that I couldn’t pretend that she wasn’t impeding me in my parenting simply because she wasn’t malicious about it. I told her that I still believed in her capacity as a spouse and parent but that she needed to believe before she would meet her potential. After I was finished she obviously needed time alone. A few minutes after I left she came out and told me to never make treats for her again. Later she asked me what I wanted her to do and I said I’d give her an answer after if had time to think and do the shopping. At bedtime she was sleeping on the trampoline. This is going to take a while for her to absorb. I’ll keep treating her normally while she processes.
6/23/2015
This morning I told Laura that I had her answer ready but it was her choice if I sent it to her since I had to leave for cub camp or if she wanted to wait until I could tell her in person. She said to send it. I sent it within 2 minutes and then 2 minutes later she said nevermore. She told me she would just delete it since I’d already sent it. I expected to tell her after I got home. When I got back from camp at 3:30 Laura was treating me pretty civilly but we had to take Alyssa to rehearsal before we would have time to talk. We used that time to get gas in the car and return Grandpa’s car that I had borrowed for camp. I got to Grandpa’s house before Laura so I stopped to chat with him. I figured it was the least I could do considering he had let me use the car. I assumed I would hear our see when Laura arrived.
Apparently I didn’t so after talking with Grandpa for ten minutes Laura came to the door to get me. She was blatantly rude about me taking to Grandpa because I hadn’t heard her honk the horn and I’d taken too long. She felt guilty and remorse for being rude and even said that she should have just talked to Grandpa for a minute rather than be rude. That made me hopeful but before we even arrived home she referred to complaining about how inconsiderate I was. Clearly she’s not interested in being upset than in learning to be pleasant when things don’t go according to her expectations. She hasn’t spoken a cordial word to me since then she went to bed by 7:00 after refusing dinner.
Just now (10:15) she came out to make something for herself. She wasn’t being curt with me and when I told her that I stood ready to answer her question whenever she wanted she said note was fine. Once I told her the answer – to observe Noelle and see how she supported me instead of cutting my legs out with the kids – Laura was obviously peeved and went silent again.
Laura
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