Laura has improved greatly today and we have had tons of help from family members, ward members, and friends. First I would like to share the relevant parts of an email that Emily sent to her dad (and subsequently shared with me) which describe the day (she was with Laura for the bulk of her day) from her perspective:
Dear Dad,
I have lots to tell you.
I spent most of the day today with Laura in the hospital. Becca and Noreen were with Laura’s kids. David went back and forth between hospital and home.
When I first arrived at 1:30 she was super groggy and when I left at 9:15 she was completely alert and awake as it seemed most of the medicine had now passed through her system.
Before I start with the details, I just need to say that I am SUPER tired and if this comes out choppy or slightly incoherent I apologize. I’ll do the best I can. I have had about a million phone calls today and been sending texts, etc. but I really want you to feel like you are in the loop so I am gonna do my best….
I arrived at the ICU at about 1:30 and Laura was still pretty groggy. I turned the corner at the main desk of the ICU and there she was at the end of room – her bed behind an open curtain. She was asleep. Tears sprang to my eyes when I saw her. As I approached she opened her eyes and I just hugged her and held her. I told her I loved her and that everything was going to be all right.
We sat and talked for a while. I held her hand then I gave her a foot massage. As we talked she shared with me the events that led up to her taking the pills.
The first time she told the story she was still pretty groggy so all the details weren’t super clear, as the day went on more details came out about the real reasons why.
She said took the pills three hours before David found her. When he got home she woke up long enough to say “I took all my pills you need to call an ambulance” Two full bottles. She said she was totally calm when she did it. She had had a relatively normal morning/noon with the kids – had several small triggers that all added up and by noon she felt herself getting angry and upset. She went to her room for a time out and to eat her lunch. While she was sitting there, she looked at her bottle of sleeping pills (at this point she says she felt totally peaceful) and thought something like “I should just take all of these and then this can stop”. Then she took a second bottle of one of her other mood stabilizers.
After telling me that she [got] quiet and started drifting back to sleep. She couldn’t keep her eyes open. Then she woke up for a minute and told me that she felt really peaceful. I said that’s because you are surrounded by angels that you can see and not see and they are all trying to tell you that everything is going to be okay and you are loved. As soon as I said that she closed her eyes and almost immediately drifted into sleep. (I know it was also the medication making her feel peaceful – but I felt the spirit there with us – so I guess it was both.)
Then after a while David arrived and brought Bananagrams with him. For about an hour things were a little interesting as I could see Laura’s will to be awake along with her habit of needing to be doing something productive and a little challenging combined with her body which still had not shaken the medication and maybe wanted to rest a bit more. Let’s just say I saw her spell one or two very interesting words and the joining letters didn’t always match up. (Laura if you ever read my telling of this one day I hope you will laugh at this part). You sort of forgot how to spell 🙂 my favorite was Mervyns which was spelled Mervnys and was connected to an A instead of an S at the end. I also really enjoyed Luau and then you took the u away and used it in another word and it became Lua. Well there were a couple of others but I can’t remember.
Then after another while Laura became even more alert and the conversation took a turn. She started realizing what had happened. She started to explain in greater detail the reasoning behind her actions. She started to express remorse that she had caused us all to be worried. She said that Becca was gonna be so mad at her because she had promised Becca that if she ever felt like doing anything like this she would call Becca. She said that mom was gonna be mad at her too for another reason which I can’t remember. But her tone was not of fear but of regret that she has upset the family apple cart. She said when she actually took the pills at that time she didn’t care what anybody thought. I believe that conversation would have perhaps gone a little deeper but then one of Laura’s oldest friends appeared out of the blue and Laura was instantly in tears.
Before her friend arrived Laura expressed her feelings of deep inadequacy as a mother. She felt like she had too many children and so she couldn’t give them the attention they needed. Laura said other things too. She said she felt like it would be better for her kids if she wasn’t there because she didn’t want them to see her as a mean, nagging disheveled person. She was upset that she wasn’t presenting a more put together calm and happy image to her children. But she pretty much was saying that the daily grind was doing just that – grinding her into the ground. She wanted to teach them good exercise and eating habits. She felt like she was failing. She wanted to teach spend more time helping the Little’s but she felt that because she had to spend so much time and energy on problems with Alyssa and her anger towards Alyssa that instead of moving forward with her kids she just felt like she was running around putting patches in a boat that was taking on water. She expressed deep regret that she wasn’t able to meet Alyssa’s needs and said she felt Alyssa would probably thrive in a different environment if she had more attention and structure and less chaos and antagonism directed at her. She called Alyssa her “brain stem child” meaning that because of continuous trauma that every time she gets triggered she disconnects emotionally and reverts a primeval fight or flight mode and then starts to act out. This makes Laura upset/angry/agitated and it goes round in circles. She said it’s been like this for five years. She said she felt like if Alyssa was in a different place for a while it might be a good thing.
Then the remorse part… then her friend came.
Then I talked on the phone for a long time with Becca and David and Noreen while we coordinated everything that needs to happen tomorrow – picking up mom – and all our schedules.
…
Then another friend from her ward came.
Then it was 9 and time for me to switch places with David after he got his kids to bed.
When I left the hospital Laura was very clear in her mind and talking normally. Her spirits were greatly lifted by the visit of her friends and I told her how much better she looked than when I had first arrived. I gave her a big long hug and then left.
Before adding a few of my own thoughts I have to say what a blessing it was for us to have Becca come in the morning and stay all day with the kids and for Noreen to come in the afternoon to lend extra support. Also, having dinner brought in again and with meals arranged for the rest of the week – we are truly well cared for.
Also, as a a matter of clarification, the “one of Laura’s oldest friends” that Emily mentioned was Kim Jacobson and we didn’t know she was coming. The “friend from the ward” Emily mentioned was Andrea Rose and she had stopped by the house while I was there for dinner. When she asked I assured her that Laura would love to see her. While those we the only friends who visited the hospital they were hardly alone in offering support and reaching out. A quick (not necessarily complete) list off the top of my head and in no particular order would include: Gayle Bleak, Bishop Eyring, Elaine Larsen, Jeff May, Meagan Becker, Kate Lee, Misty Zeeman, Kenzie Airmet, Natalie Stobbe, Sherie Christensen, Shane Young, Kai McMurray, and Connie Woolley.
I also appreciate the way that my co-workers took over the on-call responsibilities willingly when I told them I had a problem. My work time today consisted of setting an auto-responder, dropping off the on-call phone/computer, and writing an update email to Steve Snow.
After getting the kids off to school I shed the on-call stuff at work and then went to visit Laura. She was finally alert although her speech was still a bit garbled much of the time. I left after a couple of hours to go home and gather some requested supplies while she slept – I also managed to catch a nap for myself for a few minutes before coming back. It was while I was home in the afternoon that Emily arrived at Laura’s bedside. I had felt I knew most of the stressors before today and was able to convey those to the people caring for Laura but over the course of today I learned about a new one from yesterday morning that must have contributed – Laura went to rescue Emma from a snow drift and discovered that the drift was deep enough that Emma could have conceivably been completely buried standing upright. That was an understandably scary thought. I also learned that before taking the pills Laura tried calling both Andrea Rose and Julie Smith to ask them to take the pills away but neither of them answered her phone call. After taking the pills she actually tried to call out for help but wasn’t able to make herself heard.
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