It feels important to record this state. For many weeks now I have felt that Laura no longer seems to care at all about our marriage—like she has again emotionally divorced herself from me. She’s done this a couple of times in the last two years but in the previous iterations she could say least cite some trigger for her checking out.
While I’ve been feeling it for weeks she hasn’t said anything directly. But today she snapped at me to “just stay out of {her} way” after I told her and Alyssa to both chill out as they were starting a “Did not. Did so.” kind of exchange. Upon reflection I’m confident that her disenchantment is based on a new way (which she doesn’t like) that I have started enforcing boundaries with the kids.
She doesn’t like it when I get frustrated with the way the kids treat me as if we are equals—that they can negotiate anything they want and nothing I say is more than a suggestion to them. Two or three weeks ago I decided on a new strategy to train them into the proper order where there is a clear boundary between the role of child and parent.
When I chose to enforce something I will take the time to ensure that the consequences are not merely me saying “do this” or “stop that” followed by them ignoring my instruction as soon as I am busy. Instead, if they ignore my instruction I will invite them to come for some 1-on-1 training. If they don’t come willingly I will carry them. Once we are in private I will explain to them that as the parent I am in charge of how things run and as the child they are in charge of controlling themselves to do as instructed. I explain to them that they have as much agency as they choose to exercise in controlling themselves and that when they choose not to control themselves they will find someone else exercising control over them. I explain that out in the world the person who exercises control over them—whether police officer, teacher, or simply someone bigger/stronger/meaner than they are—will not necessarily be gentle and therefore I refuse to fail in my job to teach them self control at home. I explain to them that I will use as little force as they will respond to but I will escalate that force as far as they require until they respond. It always starts with simply telling them what to do but will escalate as long as they resist right up to physically restraining them as long and as tightly as they require until they choose obedience.
The training session does not include me raising my voice even if I have had to physically hold them for an extended period of time. The session only ends after they have calmly accepted the terms that 1) I am in charge of the house and they are in charge of themselves; 2) that I will use only as much force as they demand by their actions; and 3) that they will follow the instructions that they were ignoring which led to our training in the first place (as well as any other instructions I had to add during the session before they chose self control again).
Laura sees this technique as bullying despite the results which are that I have not yelled at anyone since I started this and after 3 sessions or less (so far) with any given child they have become remarkably compliant without requiring any physical restraint by me; if they need a refresher they come on their own for the discussion when I tell them and quickly school themselves on this new order.
I’m finally doing something that produces the results that she wants (me not yelling at the kids) and she is emotionally divorced because she doesn’t like that I don’t (can’t) do it by endlessly pleading with the kids. She doesn’t even recognize the irony that when she finds the endlessly pleading tactic ineffective her response is to request that I physically remove or restrain whoever she isn’t having success with.
The biggest problem I see coming out of this latest emotional divorce on her part is that I am beginning to feel emotionally divorced from her too—like even if she wakes up and realizes that what I am doing is producing exactly what she wanted (let alone that what she is doing is magnifying exactly what she doesn’t want) I may not be open to putting any more effort into our relationship. She has burned me and blamed me so many times and for so long while refusing to truly address the damage that she has caused that marriage in name only may be all that I can manage for a long time to come. I guarantee she has no idea how much I imagine just walking away and disappearing from everyone rather than continue to suffer the thankless abuse to which I have been subjected.
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