Battered vs Tested

The testimony meeting today really spoke to me. There were several people baring testimony from positions of growing and learning rather than a lifetime of certainty. One was a young woman who had grown up in the church but never put much effort in. She had become a casual member until she grew to realize that wasn’t enough. Another was a woman in a new stage of life – a convert to the church who after the majority of her life no longer has children at home to build her time around and who finds it uncomfortable to come to church completely alone. Yet another was a grandmother visiting her daughter and grandchildren to help out in the process of a challenging divorce. She told a story of her grandson who has latched on to the idea that we came to earth to be tested.

I found myself considering my own testimony and my own history. I chose to be more than a casual member from a fairly young age and I understood enough to not expect life to be smooth simply because I had a testimony and was striving to live faithfully. Despite the anticipation of challenges I realized that when I expected to be tested I had subconsciously believed that significant challenges would have to seem meaningful. Instead I have spent several years feeling battered more than tested – as if I am being challenged but with no design for any particular growth pattern. I know that isn’t true because I have seen patterns of growth through all of it but in the moment it just feels like relentless battering.

I want to record my testimony that despite my weakness (I feel like I have little capacity to give right now) I still have a sure conviction of the plan of salvation and trust in the love of my Father in Heaven and in my Savior. I still feel confident in their capacity to carry me over this vale of tears to return home. I want to record that testimony alongside the record of feeling battered so that someone in the future who feels battered can know that others have felt it before and recognize that feeling battered isn’t evidence that their faith is weak.