I saw a post by Scott Wessman on X today that I declared was the most valuable thing anyone would read on X today. He was talking about the importance of “low-stakes social gatherings.” Not only did he describe why they were important but also why they have dwindled and what the key features were that make gatherings low stakes. I just have to record the basics for my own reference. I’m thinking that it would be good to try to ensure that our neighborhood has at least 5 every year. Right now we seem to have 3 and one of those is actually a combination of what used to be 2 separate ones.
Bring Back More Low-Stakes Social Gatherings
https://twitter.com/davidmiller/status/1764695027241148519?t=lCgYCuOAEPVdtgsQvvgqXQ&s=19
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We aren’t getting together like we used to.
It’s my belief that we aren’t getting together as much as we used to. As a result, we are losing valuable chances to connect with each other, becoming more atomized in society and feeling lonelier than we should.
I think a major factor in this is that gathering in one place together has become more formal and more “high-stakes” than it was in the past. Somewhere along the way hosting people in our homes or gathering in larger groups became laden with expectations, and as those expectations have risen for gathering, we do less of it.
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Some or all of these attributes are present when gatherings are higher-stakes. As these factors become expectations, they add unnecessary weight and result in fewer gatherings:
– They require a lot of money, whether for catering, decorations, entertainment.
– They require a lot of time to prepare for.
– They assume a need for people to have lots of room to spread out.
– They require a lot of advance notice.
– They require long time commitments and/or cost to attend/participate.
– They are Instagram-worthy. This is a catch-all quality, but you get the idea. They are solving for broadcasting the activity rather than participating in it.
What are the attributes of low-stakes gatherings?
In contrast to higher-stakes activities, low-stakes gatherings put the emphasis on just getting together. The minimum standard is to end up in the same place for a time, have a good time, and do it again soon.
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– They don’t require a large venue. Above all, this is a mindset.
– They don’t require a lot of setup/take down/decorating.
– They don’t involve elaborate invitations or other advance planning/preparation.
– They don’t require participants to overly dress up or take on some major preparation.
– They are inexpensive.
So what can we do to create more low-stakes social gatherings?
– Impose some constraints.
– Set aside more time. Set aside a night every week or two to have people over. Create a social norm within your friend group.
– Make it communal. Ask people to bring one thing: a dish, a game, whatever.
– Take yourself (and others) less seriously.
– Focus on the people.
For our neighborhood there is the Christmas party in the street: hot chocolate and treats, Santa, hay ride around the neighborhood; the Trunk-or-treat/chili cookoff; and the summer barbeque cookoff. Each of them has elements that might be a bit high stakes but not like the ward Christmas party that takes lots of planning and preparation plus the reservation of the church building. I think we should shoot for 5 activities every year that are relatively pot luck like those 3 where lots of people contribute something. I’d like 2 over the summer plus 1 in the spring, 1 in the fall, and the Christmas block party.
Each should be at a different location in the neighborhood. We have the Christmas block party in the horseshoe (December), the trunk or treat in the small circle (October). We could have one in the 1520 N deep cul-de-sac (August – back to school/chili), one on 1020 E (May/June – summer fling/barbeque), and one on 1300 N (March). I thought about doing one on Murdock Drive as there are more people there but I think it’s too much of a through street, unlike the others.
I would also love it if we could encourage people to further build the community by doing their own smaller gatherings, like if every family tried to have one event per year where they invited 1 to 2 other families to their house. Imagine how connected people would feel.
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