Last night the boys had a rough night and consequently I was not at all rested this morning. As we were getting ready for church we discovered that Ezra’s mouth was bleeding. It looked like his lip had become caught between his budding front teeth. I’m not sure if that was really what happened but we kept him home from church. He slept the entire three hours and when he finally got up there was no more bleeding.
I went to Sacrament meeting while Laura stayed home with Noah. In Sacrament meeting Brother Steve Allred spoke and as part of his talk he told the story of a girl whose father was called from Nephi to settle the Muddy River valley. She cried when he was called. A girl next to her whose father was also called asked why she was crying. She said she was not sad because she knew her father would not go. This girl replied that she was crying becaues she knew her father would go, that nothing could keep him from going, and that she would not own him as a father if he would not go when called. My thought was that, at least for me, it is much easier to do what you have been called to do, no matter how hard, than it is to suffer through trials that are not recognized as a call. After Sacrament meeting I went home to take care of Noah while Laura went to church to teach Savannah’s class. Noah finally went down for his nap after 1:00.
Laura took dinner to Theresa Wright who broke her leg on Friday and when she got home she told me that she had learned from Sister Wright that there was a stake priesthood meeting at 6:00. It was 5:40 when she told me but I got dressed and left within 10 minutes. The meeting was good, I felt the spirit many times but I left feeling empty and confused. I have been consistent at reading my scriptures daily and attending the temple weekly. I have been diligent to magnify my callings. For all that I get only the barest of support from the church and my life is completely overwhelming.
Laura and I together can barely keep the house running while I am home full time. I have been unable to hold a job this year and unable to find a direction since I lost my job in June. I have felt that I need to not be dependent on a single employer and that I need to be able to more fully support the family emotionally. I have found that I am a much better father when I am not constrained by a standard 9 to 5 away from home job. That leaves me with little to look for in the way of employment and I have been unable to generate anything that looks like it would bring in income since the idea of an email service with parental oversight for kids died early in July. Essentially I feel like I have been squeezed in every possible way that would not be apparent to the outside world and I can find no source of relief for any of the pressures. The church is providing food from the Bishop’s Storehouse, which I am grateful for, but we don’t even know who our home teachers are for the last four months and Laura has never had visiting teachers. Apparently she has new ones starting this month but we’ll wait to see if they actually come.
My soul has been calmed by the Spirit many times over these last weeks but for some reason the Lord has not seen fit to give me more than an occasional fleeting mirage to chase in my desire to have a direction to get across this desert. On nights like this I feel like a hollow shell of a man. As I was walking home from the meeting I could distinctly see myself coming to the end of my life after never emerging from this desert and having the Lord receive me with, “well, you never did give up; that’s something.”
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