In thinking about how to teach youth about modesty I have long held that modesty is about much more than how we dress and that it applies to both girls and boys. I always appreciate when someone covers the topic in a way that takes it from being a matter of fashion and hem lengths to a matter of attitude. I recently came across one of the best essays on modesty that I could offer wholesale to my children as they become more independent and immersed in the culture of youth. It is called In Defense of Modesty by Jesse Jost.
In the article he talks about modesty of dress but also of actions and gives very compelling reasons for it. I also appreciate the positive spin he puts on it. We often hear complaints about modesty being a burden placed on girls with a message that 1) boys can’t help themselves, and 2) girls are compared to chewing gum or other perishable, commonplace things. This article talks about the reality that the way girls dress really does affect the boys involuntarily without suggesting that the boys are helpless animals in the face of hormonal and visual stimuli. It talks of the girls bodies as a gift that is demeaned when it is displayed to recklessly for undeserving boys – namely anyone who hasn’t committed to a lifetime together.
At the same time there is no suggestion that the inherent value of the girl is diminished by her immodesty, only her apparent value. In other words if a girl dresses inappropriately she invites the attention of undeserving boys but she is no less valuable. If she compromises her virtue through action she is a smudged diamond rather than a piece of chewed gum. In other words her worth is no less than before but her beauty until she cleans the smudges is less than a sparkling diamond (unlike the chewed gum which can never be “un-chewed”).
He also makes a point to address the fact that just as girls, by their manner of dress and action, can make it harder for boys to keep their thoughts virtuous so too can boys, by their interactions (and less often their manner of dress), make it harder for girls to keep their thoughts virtuous.
Another great article on the topic is by Wesley McAdams called Modesty: You still don’t get it do you. He explains that modesty is about whether we are trying to call attention to ourselves (whether that is with an intent to be sexually provocative or not) through our dress and behavior. He explains that our desire should be to glorify God in dress and action and to call attention to Him rather than ourselves and that most discussions of modesty focus on whether we dress to call attention to our bodies but that it applies equally well if we are trying to call attention to our status, our wealth, or our sense of fashion. Here are two quotes that cut to the heart of his post:
Here’s another way to think about the word: When you say to someone, “You are so amazing” and they disagree with you, you might respond, “Oh, come on now, you’re just being modest.” That is probably the context in which this word is best understood. Modesty says, “I don’t want attention. I’m embarrassed by compliments. Please look away from me. I’m not worthy of your admiration.” That is modesty!
And the second:
The world has ALWAYS told women they are obligated to look beautiful. Paul says, don’t get so caught up in dressing beautifully, but in living beautifully!
Update 6 August 2014: I have two articles specifically aimed at how we teach the concept of modesty to boys that are worth using. One is called Seeing a Woman: A conversation between a father and son by Nate Pyle. The other is called The Modesty Talk for Men by Jesse Jost.
Update 28 May 2015: I just ran across another article that does a fantastic job of addressing the errors in how we traditionally teach modesty for girls. I think this is one that my girls should see. It’s called Modesty: I Don’t Think it Means What You Think it Means by Rachel Held Evans
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